satan is my motor

Depression is weird. I don't really understand my depression. I'm not always sure what motivates it, and I can't always pinpoint what I'm upset at when I feel upset. This gets very frustrating.

Like. A couple of hours ago today Kyle & I were in his car, lying down and listening to classical piano covers of songs, and all of a sudden I felt an inescapable feeling of sadness. I tried to pin it down, but I couldn't. Eventually I kind of got the general feel of it i guess... for some reason I am still real scared of losing Kyle and admitting it is the first step in telling myself that THINGS ARE OKAY and that my brain is JUST TRICKING ME AGAIN. I seriously repeated those things in my head and I felt okay but it was all just so weird and unpleasant that I was super happy but very very sad at the same time. like maybe I felt like it was too good to be true and that I was too happy. I was afraid it was going to end.

I had to sort out what is going on for Thanksgiving today since I can't make it to the train station to catch the last train on Wednesday and they don't have service Thanksgiving day. Eventually my grand-uncle said that he's able to pick me up Thursday evening. I actually really wanted to spend the holiday with Kyle, since he'll be alone :< At least I'll be able to have lunch with him or something. I'm thinking of making reservations somewhere.

Maybe i should talk to him about my paranoia. I need someone to talk to and let all these feelings out to and like a shoulder to cry on would be nice. I can't believe I am still thinking about this >:|

I have photos from the hockey game on saturday, but I don't feel like writing about that today.